Are you the one for me?

The key factors in selecting a life partner are instinct and body chemistry.

Charles Dickens had once said, "Little Red Riddling Hood was my first love; I felt that if I could have married her, I would have known perfect bliss." Perhaps Dickens best explained our enchantment for a fantasy. A fantasy that colours all our interactions, especially in the choice of a life partner.

This was repeatedly underlined in a survey of a medley of individuals - some dreaming of a mate, some in the throes of romances, some married and some who've had broken relationships. All pursuing a mental image of the perfect mate, notwithstanding individual characters.

When Smita Pande, an incurable romantic, met Sushobhan, he seemed to fit the bill of a tell, handsome knight in shining armour. But she couldn't bear reality - his "weak-kneed, indecisive side "- and called it all off.

Relationships or casual friendship are often treated lightly, but not the question of marriage. But how does one make the right choice? Follow instinct, suggest Sanjana Sharma, remembers how after being introduced to a number of guys, she zeroed in on two, The moot Question now was, Which one amongst these? Apprehensive about making the wrong choice, sanjana hit upon the idea. She closed her eyes and tried to imagine herself in a physical intimate situation with both. Unable to even think of herself in such a state with one, she made the decision happily in favour of the other

A lot of people spoken to greed that, in arranged matches, once all the basic requirements were met, they allowed body chemistry and, their instinct to lead them. In a love match, on the other hand, instinct and body chemistry take precedence.

Needhu Kumar and Rajiv Batra agree that they were attracted to each other both physically and mentally. "Though it was a fairy-tale situation, we soon outgrew that to seek each other more far real friendship than just physical intimacy."

However, a number of complicated expectations come to the fore in an arranged marriage situation. A look at any matrimonial advertisement reveals the expectation required of any girl- she must be pretty, fair- complexioned, educated, homely and be a good background. The man is expected to be a well earning professional, educated and caring. Both are generally expected to be from the same caste and religion. However her it is usually the parent who helps in making the choice.

Says Chandan Gupta--- Psychiatrist, "Usually the concept of the perfect match is the prerogative of the male. The stereotype of a homely, beautiful wife has not changed over the years. Even when men and women meet in other circumstances, the question of looks and convenience is uppermost in their minds… though a knowledge of each other over a period of time brings into focus other qualities as well. It is then that it ceases to be a pursuit of only physical beauty and a discovery of the individual."

But how do we know that a man and a woman are meant for each other? Psychiatrist Bimla Gupta says, "It is actually decided by our upbringing. While we are growing up, we absorb certain images, which remain with us even when we grow up. For instance, a boy brought on a diet of heroic tales and movies, will always try to be an image of his hero who is macho, brave and will rescue the beautiful princess in his actually search for a life partner. The same applies to women, who feel that the man of their dreams has to be akin to a prince charming. In fact, a lot of this pursuit of a partner is due to a desperation for a mate. Confesses Sunita Varma, "I was following a fantasy of what I thought love ought to be. Desperate to be loved, I'd become whatever the man wanted me to be.. in fact, I would just become an appendage of his." Today, a divorce later Sunita's Priorities have changed, "Since I accepted that he is an individual, So Too am I."

According to Subhash Mahapatra, reader in sociology at the university, "Our perception and expectations of what we want in a mate have really not changed radically from what were, say in your grandma's time. She'd been brought up to be a suitable wife for a man, in whose life her role was that of a homemaker and procreator. Even today, are told and conditioned from childhood, to be a suitable, homely mate. And 90% of our population still goes by this stereotype albeit with minor changes caused by economic compulsions. If earlier, the woman was just supposed to be a homebound, corporate identity, who fit in with the family finances. I would say that expectations have just doubled for the modern woman.

So, How we decide on a mate really depends on social mores, our fantasies, instinct and physical reactions apart from the expectations we train ourselves to have. Quite a tall order! After all, would you explain sheer sexual chemistry as a basis or the way a person smiles as a criterion?

However the best summing up perhaps comes from anthropogist, Merdith Small, who in her book, What's love got to do with it? Says, " Given the number of people in the world, I can easily imagine there at least 50,000 that I could fall in love with. Unfortunately, I will never run into most of them. I am stuck as all of us are with a social circle." And hence, we all choose what appeals best to out sensibilities and hang the consequences.

What he wants Beautiful and personality Sexy and passionate Educated Professional Understanding. Adaptable. Traditional yet modern. Shouldn't have many expectations. Vulnerability

What she wants Intelligence Responsibility and commitment. Some height If not looks, then charisma. Caring, not pompous. Good listener. Understanding. Loving .

Courtesy : Times